me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
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Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off