An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
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One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.