[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now