I already tried new things thanks.
You Might Also Like
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
*puts my mental health in rice
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think