when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
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*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle