Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
You Might Also Like
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
we all know this pain all too well
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.