Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
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When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3