Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
oh shit
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS