fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
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Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
☺️
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
mentally somewhere in italy
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.