[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
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What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
*exercises sarcastically*
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
incredible
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?