*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
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Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?