10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
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My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??