Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Cat is stressing him out.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Worth the read.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.