[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
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Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
we all know this pain all too well
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”