Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.