Damn … History Channel 馃榾
#archaeohistories
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LOIS LANE: let鈥檚 watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I鈥檓 a Mario Brother for a living.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Paper cut-outs of coins don鈥檛 work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I鈥檓 very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Her: I鈥檓 going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn鈥檛 going to work out.
Look man, I don鈥檛 care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that鈥檚 how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn鈥檛 freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are鉂わ笍
I don鈥檛 use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you鈥檝e been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that鈥檚 cool i didn鈥檛 know my flight included a dental cleaning
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.