I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
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Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
You saw nothing. I am ham.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.