5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
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Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
never forget
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.