snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
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Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box