The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
i meant to share this earlier
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.