There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
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I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I told my vodka about you.