When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.