I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
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I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.