Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
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ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
March 16
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool