VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
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Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.