My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
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Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Love is always patient and kind.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)