“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
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A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice