Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
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My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
OMG 🤣🤣
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
October already? What’s next? November????
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p