“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
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When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
wut hotdog?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]