Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
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just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.