Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
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I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff