Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
You Might Also Like
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
sry
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
This is amazing.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”