“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
You Might Also Like
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Every time my phone rings
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
WHY?!
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I occasionally drink every single night.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.