People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
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Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?