My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
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If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.