I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
You Might Also Like
can’t talk my ride’s here
Meanwhile in Canada…
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Breaking news:
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work