(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
You Might Also Like
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
He-man has a Masters degree
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else