Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
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“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
new career option?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.