Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
You Might Also Like
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!