ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
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Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.