I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
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When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Oh my God.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.