When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
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I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
We need more people like this.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
This is sending me to another galaxy
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.