People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
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Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.