[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
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Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Battery falling down a hole
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.