Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
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Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene