i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
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“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.