Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team