Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I identify as an antique shop.