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6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Dudes named Chance never had one.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Would you wear it?
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.