me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
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He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.